Where Did I go?


As we move through life we do not always notice that we may be loosing ourself in all the demands of the day, the week or even a year.  We are busy readjusting this or that.  Taking care of pets, a house, a job or others.  We put ourself on the shelf for a while thinking oh I’ll have time later for me because for now I must deal with what is before me.

Then suddenly time is gone and we look up with new eyes and wonder what on earth happen.  Where did I go.  Where did the smile that once existed vaporize. Where did the laughter that was so easily found in the silliest thing, go.  Is it too late to reach for and grab it back.  Where did the time go that seemed robbed by the whoas of others and the demands of pets, property.

Then one day it all stops because I simply can not live this type of life any longer.  One that I do not feel in control of living.  One that offers no pleasure yet takes so much time.

Recently after asking myself repeatedly why am I following this person or that one, why am I taking the abuse in the comments about something I posted on Facebook. Comments that indicate the person did not thoroughly understand my comment or post.  I just one day terminated my association with Facebook.  Removed it from my cell phone which cleared so many unnecessary contacts and all in all made life so much simpler.  Better…absolutely better.

I haven’t missed the laboring over others posts and trying to be supportive when there really wasn’t anything to be supportive about.  I had grown tired of the posts about everyone’s whoas which always seemed to me to be attention getters.  Not my approach to life at all.  I am one of those that tries to address things, take care of it and get on with life as I can without publicizing to everyone the setback.

I had no idea how much that one social media site was dragging me down.  How much time out of my day it was taking.  How much I had lost substance in my life.  Or how much I had tired of the election or what drug people had to take for this or that.

I have to say, while I detest the current election in the US, I am grateful for what it has revealed.  I have let a few friends go as a result because I had no idea our values were so opposite.  Some friends for many, many years who had not truly been a friend because they held back on revealing what their true values and beliefs were.  That is deception to me and deception is disgusting in my book.  I don’t have time for it nor do I want it.  Friends should be open and honest, hold the book closed just to hang onto a friend because they can offer something to you, is just plain wrong.

So I have made many discoveries due to this election.  I have been weeding my garden and now there is much more space for life to blossom.  Like Facebook, I had no idea how much some of the so called friends were pulling me down.  Down that rabbit hole to the darkness of depression.  Life wasn’t feeling very good and even when times are bad, sad or difficult, I can usually feel in touch.  I had lost that without even realizing I had.

I feel much more in tune and things seem to come along as they use to.  I can think about something and it comes.  I am getting so much more accomplished and feel lighter doing so.  I cleared out my old rolodex….yes I still rely on one because what does one do with those business cards of the people we may need to be in contact with….all those type of cards are in the trash basket by my desk and will go out to the big bin by the end of the day.

The social media sites and the deceptive people are not to blame for the loss of my true self.  I simply allowed myself to get caught up in the whirl and loose control of thought, body and time.  Truly when I realized it, I did not for a while know where I had gone.  The person I know as myself.  The one while certainly with flaws, that I like and have lived with trying to improve over time.  Yet there was not any improvement happening.  There was a reversal of self.  A reversal of the soul.  And not a good thing.

Time is so precious and to have wasted so much with people who were not their true selves and with the lack of substance on a social media site, is unsettling to me yet I am so glad that something snapped and I stopped the forward thrust before it hit the wall of too late.

There is a lightness to life again.  The flow of things coming together. The pieces falling into place.  Nice things happening again.  Little gifts appearing out of no where and all that good that comes.  I am grateful for the awakening. Grateful for the revealings and the exposure.  Grateful to now regroup, redirect and reach again for the brass ring.

Maybe the saying, I was once lost but now I am found applies to this sort of change.  This sort of discovery.  If so then I will take it and move forward because I think all of us at sometime or other ask “where did I go”and when we rediscover ourselves, then life takes on a new glow and beauty.

By all means, enjoy your day.

 

 

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About annamayfair

Enthusiastically interested in life, well being and art...writer by desire and dream, artist by the soul....friend to animals.
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