Maybe it is the weather which has been grey, damp and cold for sometime now. It is usually the type of weather I really like however it has felt oppressive and confining this time around. Of course that could be related to how I am feeling about life in general with no real reason.
While part time working in a boutique located in a small artsy village a bit of a drive from where I live, I because caught up in the atmosphere. Having had retail shops in the past and doing those rather well, I felt it would be a cool idea to have another one. I even wrote a blog about this and the back and forth decision. Following that blog I once again decided to move forward. Still waffling though for some reason. Questioning my sanity and wondering why on earth I would confine myself once again.
Yet I so need interaction with others. So long to have that social realm I once had, now maybe more years ago then I wish to think about. Not exactly the best reason to place one’s self in the realm of a lot of overhead and confinement of hours. As things go when the universe is trying to reach us, there were signs. Many signs. The lease for the space never materialized even though there was talk and all was outlined. The actual commitment didn’t happen. Then the day was set to sign a lease. I stressed a bit over that yet knew if I was to going to have a shop, that a lease was part of the deal. A year commitment wasn’t really that bad nor was the rent. It was knowing that I would have to be there for the five days a week open that seemed bothersome. It was the knowing that I have no one to help me move furniture or do anything for that matter.
It became rather overwhelming yet I have managed in the past under the same circumstances and did just fine. Still there was something pushing at my mind. Like a little bird trying to get my attention. I wasn’t listening. Not really. Just moving forward because so many encouraged me. At times I thought of how sometimes people encourage one because they want company in their misery. At other times, I heard the compliment in the encouragement that I would do well because I have such an eye. Because I am so good at it.
Yet I didn’t hear the real message because I wasn’t really listening. My instincts were telling me that once again I was being pulled into something I should walk away from doing. That the flattery was wonderful yet what is good for some is not always good for me. That there is something much better waiting for me. Yet again, I was not listening to the little voice. It wasn’t loud enough, I guess.
Then early Saturday morning, I am going through my usual morning exercise routine which is rather involved, diverse and one I created myself to keep from being bored with a normal recommended type trendy routine. Into the last phase of the work out which is when I turn on music and dance. Sometimes more ballet type of moves. Sometimes more ballroom. Sometimes radical disco type stuff. All offer a bit of aerobics. All add to the other routines and round out the exercise for the morning. It has managed to keep me fit at an older age. More fit then most my age. So as I am rocking out to some really old 1970s music by ZZTop..that get down, gritty type guitar music that cranks and whines, I made many exaggerated moves as the music prompts. One too many of those and my hip joint popped loudly, like the cork out of a wine bottle. I am not sure if my actual thigh that sets in the hip moved out or just what happen, however I was not so sure footed for a brief while. I relaxed the leg as I know from having played various forms of sports most of my life and ease the leg around. Quickly it was over and I could stand again. I walked carefully, well maybe even limped to find the bottles of turmeric and lavender oil. Massaged those into the muscles and then took a turmeric cap to keep the inflammation down. The inflammation of course is what causes the pain.
I was a bit concerned that I had broken my leg or something because of the popping noise. Thanks to the internet I learned that others have had this happen and to some it is a frequent occurrence. Relief in knowledge, thank you very much.
Then the slap in the face and mind came….whoa. This is a message because there is no way in hell I can move furniture, a box or set up a shop. I need to walk away from opening a shop, and now. More or less I was stopped in my tracks with the approaching lease to sign date in the immediate future.
I realized then that I wasn’t listening. I wasn’t being true to myself or to what is my path. I was once again trying to do what others wanted for me and not what I am suppose to be doing. I was trying to be part of a community. Part of the mix yet that mix is not where I belong. Nor is a lateral move of house to accommodate being closer to yet another small community. It is not what I truly want now with time beginning to run in short supply of years.
So with each day and the pain while not great, just annoying, I am reminded that I must listen. Really listen. I must learn that again because I once knew that was how to live life. To be aware. To follow our instincts and most of all be true to oneself. Yet isolation without social exposure somehow tarnishes those acute abilities and that is not good.
Being true to one’s instincts. Noticing the delays thus messages. Noticing the overtures of others for their sake, yet not for mine even though the intentions may be worthy. Noticing most of all that deep gut feeling of uneasiness. Of stress. Of lack of sleep. Of something not right. Those are the tones one must hear. And if we are not listening then one way or another the universe is going to notify us in a big way. Especially if we are about to set course on the wrong path.
So are you listening…