Where have the days gone. The months. The hours. I haven’t written in so long although the words have milled around in my head thinking I would sit at the keyboard soon. Yet the soon evolved into hours then into days.
Not long ago I wrote of grief and about the loss of my dear cousin. I did not realize to what degree loosing her has made in my life until this week. I worked for a brief while helping a lady in her shop who injured her back. It brought back a bit of enthusiasm to me. A sense of belonging again. The exchange with the customers was so delightful and I longed to have that sort of exchange happening in my life each day. Many of the conversations reminded me of my cousin, Anne and some of our long chats.
Those hours working in the shop brought back the desire to own a shop again. Something I know how to do rather well and enjoy. Yet as time moved on and though I am approved for the space, the lease has not arrived and I feel there seems to be good reason for that. Recently there have been many signs to not move forward with opening a shop again even though the area is thriving and the customer base is wonderful. One can and does make money in a tiny little shop in that sweet little village tucked in the middle of no where although surrounded by beautiful ranches and rolling hills. Yet as the days have moved on, the words to write swimming around in my head and the acute awareness of the dynamics playing out, it simply does not seem the right thing to do.
I am not sure what it is about me, however there are many in the area where I live that will go to great lengths to make it difficult for me to achieve much of anything and certainly not make money. From selling my house to now considering and rather planning to open a shop, the doors slam in my face. Items I have said I want to buy and will return with a check, with the understanding the item will be held. When I return to pay, somehow the item is sold. Others seem afraid I am going to take business from them so are no longer friendly. It is an odd thing to pose such a threat to others when in actuality I am harmless and would do nothing to prevent someone from having a successful business. In fact I would and have been very supportive. Yet it plays on my mind so much so that it is apparent that the same dynamics I have dealt with where I live, will carry over to the neighboring village where I plan to open the shop.
Soon after my cousin passed so suddenly, I began a morning ritual of listening to Andre Bocelli, the Tenors and other French or Italian CDs. The music as music can, has brought comfort. Not particularly that my cousin may have listen to the same type of music rather that it transports one to a different locale.
Then as silly as it seems, I began dancing to the tunes with my big orange cat, Benson. At first he was not totally comfortable with the turns or twirls. Now though he purrs loudly. Holds onto my shoulder and when Andre or one of the Tenors hit a higher note, he opens his mouth wide and lets out a loud off key meow. He now loves the twirls and we even take small leaps with our twirls. It is good exercise for me and ever so entertaining for him. His delight makes me laugh because it is so not cat like yet neither is Benson. Probably if someone saw us they would think I was a mad woman.
I feel for sure though my cousin Anne is looking down, laughing with delight and that eases so much. It helps with making decisions and being clear of what direction to take. It helps to open my eyes once again to what is more important in life. What is important is the fulfillment that the littlest things bring. It is when we can slip between the gaps of moments and grasp the silence. To live between the sunshine and the flowers and to let our dreams slowly unfold. It is the rediscovering what we already have…finding the tiny wonders that will always nurture our souls.
And so it is the dance…the morning dance. The joy it brings to a very big orange cat and the rediscovering in those moments of his delight that there really are tiny wonders that touch all our souls. We just have to ignore the obstacles and slip between the sunshine and the flowers where we dance, twirl, leap.