Clearing out brings about many, many sensations. Memories good and not so good. Ideas filed away for another day. People known, now lost somewhere along the way. Accomplishments and failures. Dreams still hanging to achieve.
What is it about this stuff that makes life feel so heavy. The burdens of the boxes of stuff one must keep, yet why. Oh yes, a call to the CPA who prepares the necessary tax return, told me I have to hang onto the files for six to ten years. That is a lot of stuff to be burden with. For so long. Heavy boxes of worthless stuff.
Then there is the book I wrote long ago and lost the nerve to publish even though I had an agent. Do I toss it now or hang onto it and all the back up info. It seems irrelevant now. Like a lifetime ago that I didn’t even live. Just walked through in a blur. Loosing years of my life in that blur. Trying through all of that time to find a footing. To find myself and shed the image of the time. So something keeps telling me to toss out the old stuff, all of it. No one really wants it. Certainly not me. My daughter doesn’t need the burden.
I have boxes of journals which I feel sure are full of words trying to work through the times. Trying ever so hard to find the balance that had been stolen more or less through tragedy. Through the influence of others because I was so vulnerable. Perhaps still have a bit of that somewhere with me. Do I toss those journals as well or wait to go through through those when the snow rest softly on the ground. Maybe find a thread to weave a good story. And if not then to be toss to the trash.
What I discovered of myself while clearing out is that I always seem to feel I have to accomplish something each day. That I must be productive. It comes probably from years of self employment. The pressure to spend as much time as possible to bring in money. Many times side stepping the joy of life to do so.
I watch others be less productive and they have full lives. I have a close relative who has only worked a bit in her life. She has relied on others to take care of her and never seeming to mind that she hasn’t accomplished anything. She pressures and manipulates to have her way and get what she wants yet never really contributing in an accomplished way. Yet she seems to lead a carefree life.
I am so different from that and extremely independent which I guess is a trait of those like me who feel they need to be productive. To be able at the end of the day knowing we have done something worthwhile, albeit perhaps not making money yet still productive.
Clearing out though to downsize, is truly an eye opener. One’s life can be in boxes, locked away and the years lost never to be regained again. It is a message to really let go of the encumbrances and let life happen. To let go of the pressures to be productive. To find more joy. To let up on one’s self. To empty out the past and seize the future. To shred, toss, give away and feel lighter knowing the burden of the boxes has been reduced. That there is no need to cling to those past dreams or lost chances to be something, someone.
Bottom line is we all matter in some way. If not to others, to ourselves. It matters that we live a life with out burdens holding us back. Without the memories because we feel we must hold onto to those out of some wild, crazy reason of obligation. Guilt, perhaps.
So as I go through the boxes I am trying my best to be free of the guilt. To allow myself to toss things that no longer matter. It is really just stuff and I don’t need the stuff to be reminded of years past or years lost in a blur. What I want most now is to just let go, let life.
It is what I feel we all need to do to find peace. There is so much garbage on the internet. So many sites to join to help us be connected to others. For what? Really for what? I think we all just need to let go and let life happen.
And so it is with the clearing out, shredding, tossing and releasing, I am letting go and letting life. At least I am hoping to do that. One day at a time. And what will be will be.
Let go, Let life.