It has been a bit crazy in my world the past few weeks. When my mind finally slowed a bit to think of my blog only scattered thoughts came to mind. Nothing really solid that had any depth, not that my blogs do, however no thought that I could connect to more then a few words.
I even had to sign into write this blog, something I haven’t had to do in a long while. Thoughts normally flow and sometimes too many that I don’t even write about most that pop to mind. Recently though all I can think of is the craziness I have been living in the small town where I live. Trying to make rhyme or reason from it all. Trying my best to not be angry although that is the phase I have reached.
It is the process of overcoming something awful. The hurt, the confusion, the anger then the recovery. So I am on my way to close the window and opening the door to a new horizon. I am tied here physically for a while even though I would like to pack my cats and everything I own to move far, far away. Never to think of this place again.
Don’t get me wrong there are some really nice people who live in this little village. A pretty little village with charming homes. Unfortunately I associated with my neighbor when I first moved here, well because he was my neighbor and we lived on Main Street not in the neighborhood. In the business district. In historic old buildings. I knew no one when I moved to town so it is natural to befriend your neighbor.
He plays games though as I discovered a few years into my time here, however recently he has been ill and I felt…well he actually asked for my help. That is though as I realize from the past experiences how it all happen in the past. When I am tossed under the bus from betrayal by this guy. True he is ill, however his mind is still clicking and he still seems to enjoy the drama, the undermining and the stabbing someone in the back. There are people who thrive on that so I am glad it has worked for him to make his blood flow better and bring him to a somewhat normal life.
As it goes, he was asking, saying and wanting one thing from me, then telling someone else that I was asking, saying and wanting of him in a twist of who said what. Oh those games. I am not good at these and I never know the rules to play. I am straight forward. Direct and take action when needed. I don’t sit on my hands or try to cause someone else problems. I will help most anyone until they prove not worthy of the help as is the case now.
It is hurtful to be so betrayed however I should have known. I have a lot of experience of being betrayed yet every time I want to believe the person really is being forthright in their needs or wants. Never do I think about they may be undermining me or setting me up for a view from beneath a bus…which by the way, is not pretty. The tarmac scarps the skin, the smell is toxic and the thumping of the wheels is so loud one can not think. It is not a place for a creative, caring soul and it is not a place that someone like me deserves.
So I have reached the angry phase and back to trying to find the time lost, the words lost, the writings lost to all this drama. To this craziness. I am almost there. I am brushing off the dirt from the tarmac. I am adjusting my vision for a new view and I am going to move on to a better place as soon as possible. Cats in tow, along with all my hard earned possession which I am slowing reducing for lighter travel. The view is getting better each day. And I know that I will always be one to do the best I can by someone in need and for that I also know, I do not need to be compromised, thrown under a bus or talked to in a contemptuous manner of blame. I will however be more selective in who I entwine my world to help.
Time has been lost however a lot has been found and found out. For that I am grateful so in the end not all has been lost.