Longing


Is it longing or is it restlessness when one is not settled?  It is a constant thing with me and others I know.  We are ok for a few months then wham we want to move on to a different horizon.  I have been this way for many years.  Always seeking I guess a greener pasture.  In my case it is the city.  

With great emotional upheaval in my life, I moved back to a state that does not embrace me nor me it.  I regretted it almost immediately, yet I have made the best of it.  That is the best one can make with the limitations presented when living away from a city.  Oh yes to live in the country and a small village has its good points all of which most of us enjoy, the most important one being cost of living which seems to grab and hold those of us who really long to be in a city.  

I have long felt that the North East is the place for me.  Although living on the east coast in Florida was almost a close second.  Many years ago I had the opportunity to move to New York and did not.  Life at the time just did not make that an easy move nor one I could go for as much as I wanted.  I wonder now who I would be if I had done so.  If I would have become the person that seems trapped inside still wanting to be released.  Still wanting to walk among the culture,walk with the pace the City offers.  Wondering if all that is available there would have made me a stronger, more together person who pursued a creative career.  

To this day, I long to live in that city.  To this day I think it would so suit me yet I know I missed catching that ring long ago.  Yet I wonder still, if there is not a way.  If there is not a way to maybe just return to the east coast and be around those who live south for the winter.  It is always about money.  My whole world just as so many others, has been about what I can afford and where I can afford to live.  It is trapping sometimes and if one focuses on that, it can be depressing.  I do not allow that to come into my realm of emotions although the longing is strong.  

I long to be closer to the shore.  Closer to friends I made before the twisted emotion of family loss gripped me.  Before the manipulation of a family member suggested it the best thing to do returning to my home state.  Yet if i had listen to deep in my soul and been truthful with myself, I would have known it was not the right thing to do.  It only now makes the longing more pronounced and the feeling of being trapped even greater.

So as I have with so many things in my life, I will begin to visualize and over come the longing. Maybe just maybe that longing will be fulfilled yet I have to wonder if it is will I then long to be elsewhere.  That ever so restlessness that stirs in many of us.  That constant need to grow, to be more, to experience the new.  Do we leave this life feeling that way or is it possible to, at some point actually feel fulfilled.  I wonder.

 

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About annamayfair

Enthusiastically interested in life, well being and art...writer by desire and dream, artist by the soul....friend to animals.
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