At this older age I sometimes wonder where love went. Why I did not get the big four letter word in my life. I also wonder why people toss the word around so casually as if it is an old sock, washed many times. It is a word that I have saved for a few. A word that I have always felt needed to have true, deep feelings with it before I could say to someone I loved them or sign a note with love.
Love was not something I knew in my young years. I never witnessed any display of it. Not as in hugs, or caring. Not really. There wasn’t time for it. Too much work to be done, too much anger to deal with, too much drama on any given day. So the word has always been a much larger word then the number of letters that comprise it. At least to me.
And to me it has always been a word that alluded me. I have never had the showering of love, or those lovely little messages that come as shown in the movies. The man showing such love for the woman. It is probably because I did not have the foundation for it. I did not know how to attract that solid love. The kind that last a long, comfortable time. I didn’t get that wonderful gift this lifetime. Many, many gifts in the lessons of life, yet not the gift of love.
Oh I have friends who are fond of me and me of them. I love my daughter deeply as a Mother loves a child. And I have had what I thought was a spark of stirring love within me for a man, yet not the deep long lasting feelings that I so thought I would have. Or them for me. There were always other demands, other things that had to be addressed, taken care of, provided for. Love could come later. Yet deep in anyone’s soul it is what makes life truly beautiful. And those of us who do not get it, not even once in life are always on the path searching.
Let’s move here, let’s move there. Let’s buy this, that. We will feel fuller if we do. Let’s be sure we look perfect or act perfect. That will cover over like a lovely duvet does a bed, the rumpled world beneath the surface. Like life, love is a four letter word. A very powerful, deep, mixed message word. It is what I feel makes one whole, yet so many of us never truly receive that true feeling of glow when someone else loves us and we love them back with all our heart and soul. When we want to have them show up on our door step. When we want to just watch a movie, share a dinner. When we want to be part of their life. It is what life should be about. Yet we spend our days meeting the demands, rearranging life and putting love on hold for another day.
Perhaps love will come in the next life….from the lessons learned in this one.